


Ganondorf Steps Up His Game

by Azrax



Category: The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker
Genre: Also rated T for Tingle, Cartoon Physics, Gen, Rated T for Trash Talk, Super Smash Bros. Melee, and by creative I mean rage-inducing, anger issues, dedicated to my friend's creative use of the tingle tuner, enemies to frenemies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:27:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29129505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azrax/pseuds/Azrax
Summary: It’s not like Ganondorf is bad at video games, per se. It’s just that Link needs to stop bringing his mom into the conversation.
Relationships: Ganondorf & Link (Legend of Zelda)
Kudos: 7





	Ganondorf Steps Up His Game

It is a typical Saturday morning in Hyrule, TV was recently invented and promptly used to play video games from other worlds, mostly Earth. Fun fact, TV stands for Tingle Vision and it is a dark world indeed because now everyone owes Tingle money. He’s raking it in. He’s also being investigated for insider trading and stealing patents from other worlds, but since Hyrule’s copyright law was written by business Deku scrubs it is limited to protecting inventions involving trees and tree by-products. Also, nobody cares to uphold stupid Earth copyright laws, thank god. You can bet he’s ending up back in prison one way or another though.

But this story isn’t about that fairy charlatan; it’s about what people do on TV, specifically two idiots we know very well. Let’s check in on them...

  
  


“This is taking too long.”

“Your mom takes too long,” mutters Link to Ganondorf as they duke it out in Smash Melee. It’s been 15 minutes of nonstop clacking on a Gamecube controller that’s _way_ too expensive to be treated like this. Ganondorf foolishly set the match to infinite time mode when this could’ve been over if he limited it to 3 minutes. Link has taken full advantage and keeps his distance whilst chucking projectiles.

Gritting his teeth, he concentrates on some of the effective combos Melee Ganondorf has: punting fools, stomping with down-airs and attempting to edge-guard to victory.

“Calculated,” says Link, pretending he meant to execute the fluke tech that got him back on stage. “Bet you liked that, Ganon _dork._ ”

Ganondorf sneers, “We’ll see how you like this sword in your ass, peasant.”

“Your mom likes swords in her ass,” is all Link needs to say to turn Ganondorf into a fraying pile of rage.

“Stop throwing bombs you cheap prick!”

“It’s a legitimate tactic you fat bastard!”

“It’s _muscle_ you contemptuous twig!”

And with that said, Ganondorf is sent flying at 300% and Link wins 3-0 in stock. “Three-stocked your mom last night, YEAH BOY-EEE!”

Ganon pulls up Link’s IP address and tracks him down.

‘How in the hell is that possible,’ ask the immensely smart readers who noticed Super Smash Bros. Melee is a couch co-op game with no internet capabilities or IP addresses to pull from. The simple answer to that is this is a branch of the Adult timeline where it’s 2069 and Project Slippi has officially been packaged with the re-release of Melee on the Gamecube². Deal with it.

His fellow villains had suggested participating in Smash as a method of releasing his stress and anger without causing a national incident. It’s not going well. The harder his attempts to beat the deku-nuts out of Link's character the higher his blood pressure skyrockets when the pissant just camps him into absolute defeat. Plus the little goblin can't stop insinuating Ganondorf's mother is a streetwalker for half a second throughout the entire match. Needless to say, he's mad.

At this stage, he could summon the dead with his furious gamer rage, but luckily for all cemeteries and undisclosed murder locations everywhere it’s entirely aimed at Link so nobody has to fight ReDeads while out grocery shopping or visiting grandma or whatever. Link is not dead, but if he was, he’d get resurrected only to be punched back down to his grave if Ganondorf had his way.

_Speaking of having his way..._

Ganondorf starts trundling towards Link’s ‘bachelor pad’, which is tactically situated on top of a small hill surrounded by more time-warp magic than can be healthy to the space-time continuum. Link’s also a mostly-responsible homeowner and considered the potential disturbances being a smash player could attract… After all, the neighbours can’t post noise complaints about his hosting 1v1 deathmatches if there are no neighbours.

So Ganondorf heaves his meaty bod up a million stairs that go through several maze puzzles, a goat ranch, lava-themed temple trials, three talking trees that demand he answer their riddles to pass (he torches two of them and sets Gohma onto the last) and has to contend with Link’s many, many simps crowding the area before he finally reaches the accursed talking door butler, who seems to have taken this insane journey as an elaborate passcode and a hilarious prank. By this time Ganondorf is sweating enough to drown a horse.

How does Link even get internet access? Surely whoever set up the cables couldn't have had an easier time going through the damned gauntlet than Ganondorf. Even if the postal service handles internet setups, there’s no way the postman is paid enough for this. 

Ganondorf was going to beat Link into next Thursday for having the world’s least conveniently placed house, and then beat him into next Friday for being his arch-nemesis on principle. Also because one time Link called his mom a fat blimp with a cavernous vagina, which is just uncalled for. He raps a sweaty hand onto the door but he doesn’t get a response. Not even the usual blood-boiling _HYAAs_ that proclaim the hooligan is doing that idiotic sword twirl at high speed towards him. He once insisted it propels him faster in the arena than simply running and therefore it works in real life too because _of course_ the world runs on his childish logic.

Three seconds of no answers mean it’s legal to smash down the door and piss on the welcome mat and tip over the flower vase artfully placed at the foyer because screw plants and screw flowers in particular. Ganondorf glares at the extremely empty house as if it’s somehow the house’s fault Link’s not home. The house tries to glare back and fails, but conveys the message that Link has a life outside ruining Ganondorf’s Melee career.

_“The hell he does!”_ roars Ganondorf at the still-extremely-empty room. His new goal is to at least destroy some property if he can’t destroy the little green menace personally, so he marches into a room that he thinks might contain the Gamecube², but it was chock-full of pots. Half of them were already smashed, so he helpfully smashes the rest, pocketing any rupees and random quest items that came out.

One pot produces a pictograph album of Tingle posing next to all the times he trolled Link into sudden cliff drops. ‘I'll have my revenge!’ is scrawled in red crayon on the front. Was Link’s current quest to murder Tingle? Who does that punk think the main villain of his life is? Ganondorf didn’t plot to take over Hyrule to be sidelined for some bitch like Tingle and by Din’s tits, he _will not_ be reduced to a side quest in that runt’s quest logs—

Before he could process this new insult to his pride, he hears the jingle of a door opening which promptly starts up the shop music in the background.

“HEEEEEEY~”

Oh, hell no. It’s Beedle.

What does the twerp want? Doesn’t he have an illegal waterfront business to run into the ground somewhere? Speaking of ground, Beedle’s not allowed on land for at least another ten years. What the hell is he doing here, nobody needs his mind-controlling pears this far away from any weak-minded birds. Ganondorf sticks his head out the front door but leaves no room for Beedle to slither his way in if he dares approach.

All Ganondorf sees is an ocean.

It was all ocean.

He’s stranded in the green maniac’s house, surrounded by water and being heckled by a spindly bug man to check out highly illegal wares. Slamming the door shut before any ocean gets in, Ganondorf pulls out a telescope he found mounted on the wall - which means that it’s precious, which means he’ll make sure to smash it later. For now, he sticks the telescope out through the window next to the front door, peering at this new obstacle in his vendetta against Link’s property. 

After confirming that Beedle is too far away to see Ganondorf clearly, he ducks his head back inside. With the best Link voice he can muster, he growls out a “HYAA” that he hopes translates to “GO AWAY” or even an advanced “Whatever you’re selling, I’m not buying!” Hopefully, that will fool the pear-brained degenerate into leaving him in peace so that he could redecorate the house with broken glass.

“I WASN’T BORN YESTERDAY, GANONDERP!”

A very deep “ **HYAA** ” was the only answer.

“I HEARD BETTER IMPRESSIONS FROM A TALKING FOX, GANONDWEEB!”

Is this Beedle’s attempt at bullying him? Doesn’t he know Ganondorf could easily twist his body into a pretzel and feed him to his moblins? He takes great pleasure in practising the art of human pretzel-making. Beedle should count himself lucky that he's had enough involvement with the ocean for one lifetime and refuses to go near it. It unfairly ended with a sword in his skull for the _victimless_ crime of attempted child murder.

Anyway, time to drop the act.

“NO SOLICITORS, YOU BLOATED SHIP RAT.”

“YOU’RE NOT EVEN THE HOMEOWNER, GANONDOOF!”

“TWELVE-YEAR-OLDS ON CALL OF DUTY HAVE BETTER INSULTS, COCKROACH!” Ganondorf exhales and tries a different tactic. “LOOK, IF I BUY A BLASTED HYOI PEAR WILL YOU LEAVE ALREADY? I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF SOME ANGER MANAGEMENT!”

“NO CAN DO MISTER, IF YOU’RE IN LINK’S HOUSE I WILL COUNT YOU AS A RESIDENT OF THIS PROPERTY AND IT’S BEEN MORTGAGED TOWARDS A TINGLE TUNER.” Beedle then realises perhaps he should sail a little closer, yelling this conversation from so far away is starting to hurt his vocal cords. “The monthly bill is due, and oh boy it’s a doozy! Link owes a tidy sum to my special pirate friends and I cannot leave this estate without payment! It’s very urgent, and this ocean could only get more… accelerated by the hour.” Beedle’s eyes glint with danger.

Ganondorf ponders this new information. He was so focused on physical destruction that he didn’t consider other alternatives. Financial ruination sounds like just desserts for the peasant that ruins his life every rebirth cycle. And who mortgages property for a _Tingle Tuner?_ That thing breaks down every ten seconds if you jiggle it wrong, not to mention the app services cost rupees _per use_. It smells of collusion between Tingle Corp. and the Beetle Pirates. The only idea worse than that is if he leverages the house against shares for Gamestop. Clearly, Link is a natural-born sap, but the future of creative torment could wait for now. He’d rather trick Beedle into getting closer so he can experience a good old-fashioned pretzeling without stepping into icy ocean water.

“If you want to charge me you’re gonna have to approach me, chump. I’m not throwing my wallet into the ocean.”

“Not a chance, friend! Sinister forces are keeping me at bay from touching the ground. If you refuse to pay up…” Beedle _OOHs_ with the thought of a wonderful idea. “If you refuse to pay up, we can settle it in SMASH!”

Very aware of his unjust reputation as a lousy smash player, Ganondorf squints in furious indignation. “You _dare_ challenge me?”

“Oho, the mighty Lord Ganondorf thinks he has what it takes against Beedle’s Ice Climbers?” The goof even dared a smirk, as if he could pull it off.

“That’s Almighty Lord Ganondorf to you. All that mind-jacking fruit and you choose the most brainless character to main. You’re trash and _beneath me_. See you in-game, punk.”

“Nana and Popo await another valued customer to the jaws of defeat!” Beedle flourishes his hand to Ganondorf before gathering what looks to be a rusty seaweed-covered router and heads into the bowels of his shop boat. Ugh, is Beedle a wifi warrior?

Ganon storms back indoors and starts searching the house for Link’s Gamecube². After flinging the sofas from the living room out into the ocean as punishment for not containing the TV and console, he finds it settled in what must be his bedroom. Rito cheesecake posters cover the walls and there’s a red boat in the corner with blankets and pillows piled on top of it that has an unwashed boy smell. Resolutely ignoring the decor, he settles on the puke green rupee-shaped rug and boots up Melee.

Beedle had sent a request already, his handle being just Ganondorf2 (it wouldn’t have the 2 if some loser didn’t steal ‘Ganondorf’ from him). ‘Hyoi4Cheap.twitch.tv’ pops up because _of course_ the cretin would use any opportunity to hawk those gods-forsaken pears.

It was time to break out Fast Ganondorf, otherwise known by lesser mortals as Captain Falcon. He slaps on the Twilight Princess Ganondorf skin to complete the look because he’s got an image to maintain and it’s _not_ Captain’s ugly visor face.

It starts strong with Fast Ganon spam-jumping kicks and getting a decent advantage going, but tragedy strikes when Beedle has Fast Ganon in a grab and proceeds to execute the most depraved move invented by Cheeto-scented degenerates: The Wobble™.

The Wobble™ is a bullshit tactic wherein the Ice Climbers grab their victim and rhythmically tap A with Popo and alternate hits with Nana in a neverending loop from which no escape is possible. If you perform this move you are below earthworms in the world order because at least earthworms provide a function to soil maintenance. It’s more cancerous than Link’s lazy camping strategy and Ganondorf has killed for less. He’s _currently_ attempting murder for less, considering he hauled ass to Link’s house to do exactly that.

Ganon bellows out a scream of rage so black-hearted the ocean starts boiling away. In his small boat, Beedle is surely chuckling, if subhumans can even feel joy. When Beedle eventually decides he’s had enough of making angels cry while simultaneously raising Ganondorf’s rage-o-meter to new record highs he lets go. Fast Ganon is sent flying out of the arena.

“This’ll be my easiest win yet, Ganonjerk!” gloats the world’s worst person as voted by Ganondorf and the narrator. 

His blood-curdling roar ebbed into heaving breaths. His body shakes from the release of rage and now he can almost think again. It was time to get serious. If he’s going to try to Wobble™ his way to an undeserved victory, then Ganondorf is either going to have to take a page from Link’s awful camping book or Unleash the Speed Demon. If he just zooms around the stage, there’s no way that troglodyte could hope to grab him with Ice Climber’s pitiful grab frames. 

Taking deep, stabilising breaths, his face sets into a grimace. In the second round, Ganondorf makes headway. The steady beating the controller takes is the only noise in the room as he zones out. He’s finally honed his rage into a zen state, becoming so tilted that the world recentered. Every grab from Popo is dodged and rebuffed with several aerial kicks in his face. Every approach is foreseen and punished with smash attacks through shield and his own throw. He even techs. _On purpose_. The match replay will look like someone else took over the controller halfway through, it was unprecedented high-level plays from Ganondorf ‘loses his mind to your mom jokes’ Dragmire.

With a final forward smash into Popo’s hateful blue face, Ganondorf takes a game.

“Wha—But how—I suppose the great Lord Ganondorf has a lucky star shining on him today! You cannot best Beedle a second time!”

Ganondorf, for once, doesn’t respond to the bait. Going into the third round with a score of 1-1 after outplaying the Wobble™ lifts his spirits; his mothers would be proud if only they understood these newfangled video games and the malice one could incite from trash talk.

Despite the boast, it seems the results of the second round was a wake-up call for Beedle. The round begins with more caution and less grab-spam. Beedle tries to play it safe for another Wobble™ opportunity while still maintaining ground pressure. Meanwhile, Fast Ganon zooms through the air like a majestic alt skin for Captain Falcon and not at all the other way round.

This round is close, a tug of war between playing dirty and tryhard attempts at combo setups. Ganondorf hovers at the stage edges in an attempt to bait a grab; Beedle in a lapse of good judgement goes for it and gets shield-grabbed into a brutal takedown. Several down-airs later Nana is knocked off the stage, leaving behind an irate and murderous Popo. The Wobble™ has officially been neutralised, but the match isn’t won yet. 

He distantly notes the sound of someone stumbling and swearing. Nothing matters though, nothing matters except enacting the wrath of Ganondorf in pixelated smash form. With admittedly cheesy tactics, he spams neutral airs and is rewarded with the sight of Popo flying out of the skybox into a sound victory for the Almighty Lord Ganondorf. He did it, he buried that piece of garbage no good son of a—

The sound of claps has him spinning his head to identify the direction it’s coming from. It wasn’t the thundering applause of adoring fans exalting his name. This isn’t a just world.

“Congrats, G! You finally found your groove.” Link has a wider grin than should be possible for someone who just arrived home to discover the whole place trashed and his fated enemy inexplicably duelling with a loan shark on his console.

“...Your mom found my groove.” 

“Nice. Seriously though, you did me a solid fighting off my debt and getting rid of those awful sofas. Grandma gifted them so I didn’t have the heart…” Link scratches the back of his neck sheepishly.

“I didn’t—that wasn’t a favour to you—”

“Oh, and you smashed all my pots! Those only regenerate if I finish the job, so now I've got fresh ones to destroy!”

Ganondorf tries to hold onto his victory euphoria. “Where were you? I intended on _your_ face being destroyed, not this incompetent amoeba man.”

“Funny story,” says Link, despite how that phrase never led to something humorous in Ganondorf’s experience. “So you know how you tried to wreck my house… And I overheard bits of the shouting match you had with Beedle…”

The smile on Ganondorf’s face drains into a frown. “You didn’t.”

Link beams and holds up a house deed annotated in crayon. “Well, now it’s OUR house, legally speaking! By shouldering the debt you gained half the responsibilities! I can finally afford a second Tingle Tuner!”

The last of his happiness evaporates and Ganondorf slumps onto the floor, tapped of all emotion. As if to spite him, the rupee rug itches his exhausted body. “I guess it’s my rug now,” he sighs.

**Author's Note:**

> If you got this far, thanks for reading! This is my first published fanfic, let me know if you liked or hated it (please be gentle).
> 
> This was inspired from replaying Wind Waker with the Tingle Tuner. I highly recommend the experience to anyone who wants to give their friend the power to spend all your rupees to find 1 green rupee, a statue of Tingle and the ability to kill the camera and drop you off the cliff you were shimmying across. We spun an entire AU out of this experience, so this world has Lore™ and Back Story™ and is _extremely serious._ Seriously Link, please stop giving Tingle money I beg of you


End file.
